Those of you their today (who came even when I told you not to; you're awesome...you're still awesome if you attempted to come too) probably knew this post was coming.

It's all my fault. In the past, I would probably push it off on something else, on some petty excuse or some scapegoat, but I've grown to be more responsible and more accepting of my own fault.

That's what it was today-- my fault. I didn't start early enough, I didn't invest enough time, I blew stuff off, I got lazy, even cocky sometimes (when honestly, it probably wasn't merited). Don't get me wrong though, I definitely had a hell of a time and learned and grew so much. There's a difference in my reaction this time, though. I know that I can do it. I finally understand that I have the talent and the potential. I know I can do it. I created. I lived it. For the first time it was real to me. The looming deadline and the adrenaline and the hectic buzz and everything that I love about it. I know know know that I can do it...because I did it...I just didn't.

I think I'm more disappointed in myself than anything. I claim to love something so much yet I don't put 100% of myself into it (funny, it's what I do with people too). And I know it's just this semester; it was a bad one for me. Stuff just got to me which sucks because I hate when it does; I like to think I'm stronger than that.

So now, things are up in there air, kinda like they always are. But I roll with it because that's the way I roll. I can't go back in time and tell myself to do things differently. So...I'll just take the experience I had, learn from it and change for next time. And instead of going back and changing myself once, I'll change myself for tomorrow and every time after that. And that's infinitely more productive and reasonable, right?

And you know what, it doesn't matter anyway. "It's not about what it's fucking about." That's something that's forever changed the way I go about this and I love that she taught us that. Because it's the simple, honest truth. So, like I said I would make a shirt for the end of the critique..."fuck it, I'm done." I'm done and there's not a single way that I can go back. It's all about moving forward now. "Tomorrow" will be a better day.

I'm sitting in my cold room (by choice) in ankle-length boot socks, sweatpants, a hoodie, with one glove on my left hand, a new Gap beanie on my head ('cept mine's brown with baby blue stripes...i.e.: better), a freshly shaved head underneath (pretty close...it's longer on top so as to allow faux-hawkiness), and a wrecked car in my covered parking spot. I came in from outside a while ago and my God do I look absolutely ridiculous! But man, I love this weather. FREEZING! I really really really wanna live in Chicago, especially if it's like this a lot.

I have to be at a group meeting at 2 PM. Lame. Don't they know there's no free wireless at Starbucks? I'm not paying for that shit! Maybe I'll bring some rum.

Singers was cancelled today. I'll see them anyway.

PS: LJ just told me "cancelled" is the British spelling of the word. Never knew that; I quite like it.

To change the world...


you gotta open your eyes.





What a difference a year makes.

Some things have lately been going pretty shitty.

Like school, for one. I slept through a Business Law exam on Thursday. But, I totally rocked the Advertising Research one I had afterward...the one I actually made it to.

And I woke up this morning feeling like shit (not because I was hungover...I had two drinks last night). I think I'm coming down with something again. Then I went to mass. And my headache and bodyaches went away.

And I'm supposed to be studying right now. Because I'm in college and spending lots of money for this education. But instead I just went to Littaly and spent shloads on wine and pasta.

And now I'm sitting across from Mel for the second time tonight at JP's (Johnny Pham's) without a care in the world. My feet are up on a chair. I'm on my PowerBook and I am just thinking about how much things are awesome. Even though they're not. But I don't care.

Last night at four in the morning Chris asked me if I was "doin' alright," out of nowhere. I answered with probably the smartest answer I've ever had to that question. I told him I was "okay." I said I couldn't really complain, so I wouldn't. And I didn't. And you know what? I won't. Because it's not worth it. I'm alive. And I interact with some of the greatest people I've ever known on a day-to-day basis. And I am doing the thing I love the most in the world. And every single fucking day, I tell myself that I love my life. And it's the truth. I do. "Content" he called it. Yeah.

I love it. Every single minute of it. Every interaction. Every conversation. Every Monday/Wednesday. Every Tuesday/Thursday. Every Friday. Every Saturday and especially every Sunday. I love every late night. Every early morning. Every stupid mistake I make and everything I've done that's for the better. I love every random moment and every plan that we've been keeping for three semesters, three weeks or three minutes. I love the things that make me smile each day, the things that make me laugh and even the ones that make me cry sometimes. I love the frustration, the hurt and the pain. I love that it's so hard and sometimes so super easy and that I know I can do it. I love it all. Every single solitary second of it and I can't stop denying that I don't love it. So I won't.

So I pretty much want to be Mark Cohen. Like wo. Camera, scarf and all.


I've already got the glasses. ;)

List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your Livejournal along with your seven songs, comment with your answers in here, and then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. 'Catch My Disease,' Ben Lee
2. 'What You Own,' Rent [2005]
3. 'Baby I've Changed,' Adam Richman
4. 'Gold Digger (feat. Jamie Foxx),' Kanye West
5. 'Stay,' Wideawake
6. 'The District Sleeps Alone Tonight,' Postal Service
7. 'Let Me Go,' 3 Doors Down

If anything, download the first song. Just to make you happy, because it will. I tag the world.

Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire? Amazing.

Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire IMAX supersized OMGit'ssobig sixstories Edition? UHH-MA-ZING!




(That, by the way, is the official title.)

Yesterday I drove home from Austin. It was about 4:30 when I was leaving, so I hit some pretty bad traffic. I went 290W instead of 35S for two reasons: one, I had already driven down 35 last Friday/Saturday and needed a change of pace, and two, I figured there'd be less traffic at the latter half of 290/281 even though it might take me a bit longer. I was so right.

In the past, anytime I would go back to Austin from home I would take the shortest route possible, sometimes speeding to get there in under an hour. I didn't really like being at home and getting to Austin quickly was a big deal; going home from Austin didn't matter as much. Lately I've noticed myself going home less and less and missing it more and more. Results of growing up and getting busier, I suppose. When I had one day off of school and work last week, a rare occurrence, I drove down for that day even though I would have to drive back up early the next morning, because I miss it so much.

My longer drive yesterday could not have been more perfect (once I was out of Austin traffic). Since I left so late, I caught the sun going down right in front of me. The late November air was incredible, the autumn Hill Country scenery was beautiful, the music from my iPod was just the greatest driving soundtrack (a big deal if you know me); I was relaxed, didn't have a care in the world and best of all, I was happy to get away for a while. I don't think anyone can fathom just how amazing a drive it was. Everything was so perfect, so in sync. I love those small little moments that let you know everything is gonna be okay. You just know someone's listening to you.

Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays of all time (don't even get me started about Christmas). There's just so much tradition that goes into it and reliving those year after year is just awesome (I already caught reruns of Thanksgiving 'Friends' episodes on satellite). It's sad that I'll have to leave so early in the morning on Friday so I can make it to work on time. I just hope that drive will be half as good as the one to get here was. For now I'll enjoy my time with my family, relaxing. Lord knows I need it.

When I get back from school in a few hours, I will be finished. Done. Free. Going home. Holy shit, I love Thanksgiving.



I don't, however, love Black Friday; I have to be at work at 8 AM. Grr.

The only woman a guy can trust is his ma.

• I hate pretense, bullshit and hypocrisy. Always have, even since I was a little kid.

• I have so much to do and I'm not doing it. I just want to watch good movies all night.

• I love Garden State. And Amelié. And Elizabethtown. I want to live those three.

• I love surprising people and being completely spontaneous. Life is boring enough.

• I think everyone's blanker than me. Smarter. Faster. Funnier. Better. Just wait.

• I want Them to let me work. I think it's about time.

• I started a new Idea Journal. I love it when that happens.

There are many things I want to do right now that I cannot. Many, many things. Read a good book. Watch good TV. Not be in school. Be in bed. Be working, but real work. Be Firefly Mobile smart. Really Firefly Mobile smart. Eat another good sandwich from Nordstrom (turkey with cranberry). "One Love" (don't worry if you don't get that...you shouldn't). Fly. Go swimming. Have lots of money. Be cold (my room is so damn hot). "Catch My Disease." Get a massage.

I think I'll take care of that sleep one right now.




I just blew out a candle; my room smells awesome.

"Good is good and bad is bad."


Lance, you've got a real lyrical genius there.





GAH.

Anchorage, Alaska.




Seriously people. ALASKA.

Let's see, FedEx's Online Tracker says I should be getting it by Friday at 10:30AM. Let's see how accurate they are this time since they said my printer would be here on Friday but it got here on Monday.


IMPATIENCE!

People should buy me things.






Just sayin'.

Holy fuck. I did it.




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[See previous post.]

I'm going to find time tomorrow and do it.

I'm getting a 12" PowerBook.

( Geekery. )

Dear Pussycat Dolls--

No, I do not wish my girlfriend (who doesn't exist) was hot and/or raw like you. You are dirty skankass slutbags with STDs dripping down your legs.

And you can't sing. Take that, hosluts.

--Cesar

PS: You can't sing. Just letting you know again.